New Grad Stress

There are moments when I stop and think about what I’ve done and giggle aloud. I stomp my feet, and cover my mouth with my hands and scream right where I am. There’s a joy about the whole thing, that nothing has been able to supplant. 

But I also recognize that the farther away from graduation I get, the less interested in midwifery I become. It’s like midwifery was a fleeting idea. But I know better. I’ve wanted this all my life. But I'm nervous and tired of job hunting and I feel this sinking, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure yet what it's about. I just need to get a job, and soon. The looking sucks, let me tell you. It really, really sucks. And I have never been one to like networking. I hate most things about it. I hate the name dropping. I hate the smiling. I hate the let-me-prove-how-good-I-am as though the credentials aren't enough. I hate the politicking. I hate everything about it. And yet, it's totally and completely necessary. 

In the meantime, I am starting to study for the national board exams. Because of the cost ($750) I am unable to take it for a few months. Most, like 90%, of my class has already taken and passed them. It's so easy to forget stuff, it's better to take it right after graduation when all the content is fresh in your mind.  It bothers me that I will be taking them so late, but I'm trying to make the most of it. I was warned that I need to study extra hard based on my comprehensive finals score. I hate that. I hate that my professor sowed that seed of doubt in my head. That seed + having to take it so late, are really doing a number on my confidence. I will study slowly and thoroughly for the next two months so that I can be sure to pass them anyway. That's about all I can do.