Intellect Lost

Last night I read this post, and was a little sad because the moment I've been dreading is now here, for real... an honest, internal/private, critique about my own connection with hip hop... which is more layered because I consider myself to also be somewhat married to hip hop... which for me is not just gangsta rap... (and, btw, I hate when people use the two interchangeably) for me... an internal conversation about hip hop inevitably turns to classism and my relationship with my husband... which I do think about, but which I also allow to be ruled by emotion rather than pure critical thought... meaning... I believe, with us, love will conquer all... even though I know love is not enough. It's complicated... and yet it's not. People ask me about how we got together... how we stay together... if he will go to school now... if I think we will outgrow each other... and lots of other things that I'm always surprised other people even care about. Mainly, we work on it. We work on being and staying married. Period. But for myself, I must also think ahead so that I can have the answers for these questions from other people. I'm quick on my feet and have plenty of unfiltered answers, but lately I've been wanting to think more critically about it... to write about it. So, it's coming, I know it.

And then I finally, finally, started reading about Iran (because I have absolutely NO CLUE what the hell is going on)...

And then I read this, and a bunch of other posts on her blog...

And when I finished my internet surfing, I felt dumb. While home, my friend said “smart people go to ivy1, huh?” I thought about it, probably made a face of some sort, and concluded “yeah, right” in my mind. I’ve often heard that graduate school is supposed to expose you to all you don’t know... that you’re supposed to feel dumb... that it’s part of the game... but I thought at some point... like, graduation perhaps? one is supposed rejoin the land of smart people.... right? Ha! land of smart people... like it’s some kind of league of extraordinary gentle(wo)men. But I don’t know what super power I have... I used be able to talk about language and writing (but not the mechanics... because that part came somewhat naturally to me, and by the time I actually got into learning advanced grammar I was no longer interested) and I used to be able to hold a decent conversation about certain genres of fiction... and then I could talk all day about education and race and culture... and then came midwifery. Maybe emotional intelligence is my super power. Not the study of it, nor the ability to have a highly stimulating intellectual conversation about it, but the intuitiveness of it. Or, screw it, maybe intuitiveness, exactly, is my super power.  Whatever. But now...

Now it seems I can not have a real conversation... with a stranger for example... about anything. I feel how I imagine stay at home moms must feel after being home with babies for a few years. Like, who the hell am I, and what was it I’m good at again?!? It’s true that I picked up some knowledge about women’s health care. I know how to deliver a baby now... I know that’s a big deal... but at the same time... as a midwife, I also know and believe that babies are born with or without highly educated professionals who know how to properly catch them ;o) so really... hmmm. ok. Sigh. My education is important to me. I would never take it back. But I simply don’t feel that much smarter. I feel like I know a lot more about the female body than I used to... but now I know a lot less about what’s going on in the rest of the world. I know a lot less about a bunch of other stuff that has always mattered to me.

I was thinking about gifted children who spend most of their lives in public schools getting above average marks with below average effort who are understandably in for a rude awakening when... if... they get to better, more challenging institutions with higher expectations. It’s good and it’s bad. It’s like that moment in time when we integrated the schools... it’s good- we have better access to better schools... but it’s bad- we’ve lost a certain sense of community. Suddenly, we aren’t so smart anymore. I don’t know... that’s a tangent, but I don’t feel like exploring it.

Long ago I heard and understood that smart people know they don’t know anything. I embrace that. But at the same time, damn I’d like to be able to hold a conversation about something other than birth or everyday nonsense. I wish I felt as smart as other people think I am.

I also told my friend that I felt my creativity was gone. It’s true. I feel like it’s been beaten out of me. But I know it’s there... somewhere...

My brain is jelly. 

Warm jelly oozing out of my ear like grape jelly slides off warm buttered bagels when you bite into them.

I’m hungry.

For stimulation... for challenge... for conversation... for tv... for ocean water on my toes... for a home cooked meal from my own kitchen... for a book to blow my mind wide open... I haven't had that since Sister Outsider, early last year.

Although, Midnight, by Sister Souljah almost got me fired up... from anger and irritation at the book. 

But almost aint good enough.

Sigh.