Randomness

After  a wonderful evening yesterday listening to jazz outdoors with great company, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning... and with a terrible itchy body from laying outdoors... that still hasn't calmed!

I was tossing and turning all night with a brain I couldn’t turn off.  So, here I am, about to spew a bunch of randomness across the screen in the hopes that I can get myself together before my large family gathering this afternoon. 

First, I miss the man. I miss my bed. And I miss me and him in my bed. We are in an odd place. Well, not really odd in the general sense, just odd for me. I have always been a hopelessly romantic person. And I have always loved the man. But as I mentioned in an earlier post, we are in a bubble right now... at least, on my end we are. I don't know how he feels about our life right now... but I am in a strong "protect my marriage" kind of place. I do not know where this new intensity came from, but it started in early May. Last night I was thinking, "it's like I'm getting ready for battle." I feel like I'm shoring up our life together for whatever is about to come... I know it's weird. It's hard

 to explain, but it's like I've sniffed out some scent of danger and I'm building a fortress (the bubble) around around us and daring someone/thing to pounce. But there is no imminent danger as far as I can tell... it's like it's all in my head. All I know is I feel an intense love for him and us and our life, and it's so much stronger than it ever was. We've also been talking intensely about what it means to live childfree/childless permanently, so maybe it has something to do with that, too, but I haven't really connected all the dots between the two yet- other than the obvious "the two of us would have to be enough... are we enough?"

Work. I applied for a RN license in the state we now live in. Technically I can now work for 30 days with the license I currently hold in my previous state, so I’ll be beefing up my job search next week after I’m done with vacation.  I feel lazy and without direction. I don’t normally feel this way, so it’s odd for me. I feel both an intense pressure to find a job, any job, and a fake-zen-like “it’s all going to come together even though you cant see it right now.” I see the man holding on to his 9 to 5 and I feel like crap because I know I’m bringing no money into the house. Yet, I remember when the reverse was true... for 10x longer than I’ve been lounging... and I say, “he’ll be ok.” And he says so, too, but still it feels weird. I come from a family of women who work. nonstop. Who are extremely self sufficient, almost to a fault. I often say “sit down, breathe, relax,” to some of the women close to me. They know that as I’m saying it to them, I’m really saying it to myself too. My needs are being met by those who love me. I should be able to relax and breathe, and I 

am, but it doesn’t come easy. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to constantly tell myself to do it... to stop, breathe, relax. Not outwardly, physically, but mentally... I have to remind myself to stop thinking about everything. Stop analyzing everything. Enjoy today, the rest will come.

The test. I worry about it. A lot. Although I'm trying very hard not to. Did you think that my talking about it in the last post would be it? lol. Well it isn't... because I never stop thinking about it. See what I mean? I wrote about it, rationalized the timing of it, tried to make peace with it, and still, still, it's always on my mind. It's like the last piece of midwifery school haunting me. It's like I'm not a real midwife until I've taken and passed it. I remember a teacher telling us that we absolutely can not use the acronym "CNM" after our names until we take and pass the test. So now I'm stuck in that in-between place of not a student, yet not a midwife. And enduring facebook status updates announcing "CNM" every five minutes while I wait for my turn. I need to get off facebook. Real talk.